This is the 100th post on my blog. Penning my thoughts has taken me on a deeper journey within. It’s caused me to take a more in depth look at myself. When I looked inside I saw things I was not proud of and I also got a glimpse of things that made me smile. I’ve opened up and shared some very personal things in hopes that maybe one person would be moved to live more consciously by reading one of my posts. Today is no different and I’m going to attempt to tackle a subject that will undoubtedly polarize many of my readers. I tossed and turned last night as a stream of thoughts raced through my mind, so I know that I “supposed” to write this post.
A few disclaimers and warnings before we begin:
- This post is going to be longer than usual. My normal posts tend to run about 500 words in length. I expect this post to be double or triple my normal word count.
- I am not a licensed marriage counselor, psychologist or psychotherapist nor do I care to be one. I’m just a guy who has a unique perspective on life.
- I have been dishonest and have cheated in all of the relationships I’ve been in so I feel qualified to speak on this subject. I don’t say wear cheating like a badge of honor nor do I feel that it’s an admirable quality. I say this with utter shame for the way I have showed up in relationships and a deep regret for the hurt that I caused so many others.
- I know that other races of men cheat and I’m not signaling out black men. However, I’m Black so I walk in those shoes daily so I felt the title was appropriate. Also, cheating appears to be more rampant among the Black race or perhaps that is just what the media wants us to believe.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way let’s get into the meat of the subject. This is a very far reaching topic and there is no way that I can completely address the subject of cheating in one writing. In fact, I think if this entire blog was dedicated to just cheating we could talk about it everyday and only be touching the surface. The dynamics of infidelity have a lot of moving pieces so I will only attempt to look at it comprehensively.
Cheating is being dishonest. Cheating means to trick, to fool, to mislead, to be unfaithful. Cheating is not about sex. Cheating is not about something you’re not getting at home. Cheating is a river that runs much deeper. Cheating can be emotional and mental as well. Most people fail to take more than a surface view about cheating. Cheating is not about morality. To think that cheating is simply about morality is to say that drug abuse is the lack of will power. Cheating is a form of mental illness. I’m not saying that those who cheat are crazy or that they are not personally responsible for their acts. I am saying that men who cheat are mentally, spirituality and emotional sick and I’ll give you a little more insight about this in a second. Why is it not a moral issue? Because men know “right” from “wrong” but still they manage to not the most prudent choices when confronted with the decision to cheat or not to cheat. Mental illness on the other hand is a behavioral problem.
Signs of Mental Illness
- Easily distracted, lured or seduced
- Feels old situations are strangely new
- Confused thinking
- Denial of obvious problems
- Strong feelings of anger
- Excessive fear, worry and anxiety
- Irritability
- Mood swings
I experienced every one of those symptoms and others that I didn’t list. So is Tiger Woods suffering from a form of this mental illness that I speak of since he seems to be our poster child for infidelity at the moment? Was he another “victim” of some sports groupie gold diggers? How does a billionaire who was portrayed as a squeaky clean family guy get busted for infidelity? Sounds like mental illness to me. How do I cheat with every woman that I’ve ever been in a relationship with and fail to see all the pain that it created for both myself and others. Again, this sounds like mental illness to me. How does any man venture outside of a “committed” relationship to be with another woman or man and somehow feels that it will improve his family life at home? Sounds like mental illness to me. How does any man who cheats think that he’s not going to get caught despite all of the history that has proven otherwise? Sounds like mental illness to me. Does anyone remember the Steve McNair incident back in October of this year (depending on what year your reading this) or is it just me? I’m not judging either situation but I am taking off my sunglasses to take a closer look. I’m just observing.
Although I feel that cheating is a mental illness I also feel what men who cheat need right now is more compassion, love and understanding. No pain has ever been resolved by the same energy that created it. If you’re not trying to figure out a way to improve what you see then by all means remain silent. Some people say that Tiger’s image is ruined for life. This is very sad to me. We are so quick to judge and point fingers, yet many of us run around and call ourselves Christians. Yeah I said it. Nobody wins in an act of infidelity. Not only does the entire family suffer, the entire world is affected in some way no matter how small. Allow me to get biblical with you for just a moment, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Be touched by your own conscience before you condemn another. Don’t throw rocks when you personally live in a glass house.
I see cheating as being a symptom and not the cause. What are the symptoms? Anxiety, frustration, chaos, lack of effective communication, dishonesty, settling for less, out of sync with our divinity, lack of authenticity, keeping secrets, passion is gone, little or no connectivity and loss of passion. We keep hacking at the branches and totally ignore the root cause or even try to figure what the root cause is. We say things like “all men cheat”, “every successful Black will eventually cheat on his spouse”, “once a cheater..always a cheater”, “he’s getting the 7-year itch” or “give any many enough time and the idea circumstances and he’ll cheat.” These beliefs do nothing but add more fuel to the fire.
We fail to realize that the physical act is the tail end of the cheating episode. Men mentally and emotionally cheat long before they decide to act on it. Think about that for a minute. The physical act is the end not the beginning. We also act as though cheating is new. Don’t be deceived by thinking that your grandparents who are celebrating their 40 or 50 year anniversary didn’t experience some spurts of infidelity. Often time the man stops cheating simply because he’s simply gotten to old to maintain his cheating ways. Where do you think men learned it from anyway? Most men who cheat had a cheating father. I had a cheating uncle who I witnessed being a player growing up. This is not about blame but about understanding.
Back in the day we didn’t have the Internet, cell phones, texting, Facebook, Twitter and personal ad websites. What you did back then was call and let the phone ring once and hang up and that was your mating call from the mistress or the other way around. Next you met your mistress at a nearby hotel and you guys did your thing. Back in the day we didn’t have as many women in the workplace like we do today. We’re living in different times now and different times calls for different measures. Cheating is not underground anymore. It’s not as easy to hide.
Also, don’t forget the roll that Hollywood plays in shaping your view of the world. I remember standing in line in the mid 80′s to go see a movie called Waiting To Exhale. Some of you may remember that. Do you also remember Whitney Houston’s character falling in love with a married man and her mother encouraging her to hang on to him in the chance he would someday leave his wife. Perhaps you remember a song by Salt-n-Pepa called “I’ll take your man” or let’s talk about a movie just released this year called Obsession. You think these are harmless portrayals of relationships….think again. What you consume becomes part of you.
In a book by Steve Harvey called “Act Like A Lady and Think Like A Man”, I read that one of the most asked questions by women is “why do men cheat?” This presumes if women knew the reason why that they could somehow curtail the number of cheaters. I think not. Again we’re talking about a mental illness here and it requires a lot of self-therapy and the only person who can help men are themselves. Nothing stops a man who’s mind is made up that he’s going to cheat. Ask me how I know this?
Just to humor you I’ll share with you what I read about why men cheat:
- Seeking revenge on another who has cheated on them
- Thrill seekers
- Frustrated with mate, family life, etc
- Ego boost
- Lack of will power
- Spiritual emptiness
- Seeking instant gratification
- Temporarily lets guard down
- Adrenaline rush
- False power sought by conquering many women
To me the larger umbrella is mental illness and these excuses reasons may be his distant cousins. To end this post I thought I’d play a little game with you. The game is called The Work created by a wonderful spiritual teacher named Byron Katie. Every time I do the work (which is not nearly often enough) I have some profound insights. Ok, here I go let’s see what happens.
Tiger Woods is a cheater?
Yes
Can you absolutely be sure that he is a cheater and that he has cheated?
No, I cannot absolutely know for sure that he cheated because I was not there. I did not witness the act of infidelity. All of my information is second hand, hearsay, through tweets, and reading the information online. I have not personally talked to Tiger are the alleged mistresses.
What do you feel or think about when you believe your thoughts that Tiger Woods is a cheater?
It reminds me of all the cheating that I have done. It makes me see the error of my ways. My heart goes out to Tiger Woods and his family. I want to send him love, compassion and understanding as I would want to be sent to me. I see him as a human being just like me capable of making errors in judgment. I think about all the pressure he must be under being a billionaire. I think of all the pressure he must feel to remain squeaky clean when there are so many vultures out there trying to bring him down. I think about how it must feel to have to face your wife when you’ve cheated and the whole world is talking about it. I think about how it must feel to have the media in your private life. I think about how I have cheated and only a few people knew but the whole world knows when a celebrity cheats.
How would you feel toward Tiger if you couldn’t think that thought?
I would just see him as the greatest golfer who has every held a pair of golf clubs. I would send good cheer. I would be thinking how much I’d love to meet him to find out his secret sauce for becoming so successful in such a short period of time.
Now turn it around?
Tiger Woods is not a cheater. Tiger is a respectable, loving man and father who made a wrong choice
I’m a cheater. I have cheated.
I cheat in other ways and not just in relationships. I cheat myself out of being the best me I can be. I cheat myself by being in other people’s business when I should be minding my own.
That’s my long spin on it.
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{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
That was an awesome post! I'm a cheater and I've been asking myself why. I think you're on to something in your thinking. I'm following you now to see what else you have opinions on. You break things down so well, like I'm standing at the water cooler with you. Bravo!