Sex has been the thinnest section on my blog but that’s about to change. I’ll share with you the impetus for this change in a just a minute. I knew when I came up with the topics for this blog that writing posts about sex would be the most challenging for me. I was concerned about just how far I’d be willing to go in terms of what I would and would not discuss.
Many times when I had ideas to post that would fall under the sex category I opted to not post them. One challenge that I’ve always had is I’ve cared about what other people thought about me. When I was growing up I never wanted anyone to know that I qualified for free lunch at school so I quickly got me a job so I could eat out every day and go unnoticed as a free lunch participant. I also never wanted anyone to know that we were getting food stamps although I was being raised by a single mother with three kids to care for. Therefore, when I was elected to go to the grocery store to pick up food items I would only make the purchase when no one was behind me in line.
I know the above actions may sound silly to many of you but I’ve played this game of caring what other people think of me at a very high level. I’ve been ashamed in many areas of my life because of the fear that someone may judge me. The truth is everyone is always judging me no matter what I do because that’s what humans do – we judge others.
I’m not quite sure where this strong feeling of pride originated but I now have come to the realization that it also constricts my self-expression. It puts a cap on how much success I can experience in all areas of my life. Some might say that its the fear of success and others may say its the fear of failure. I’m not quite sure what type of fear it is but I know that it is fear nonetheless.
Last night I was reading Steve Pavlina latest newsletter and I was totally shocked and elated by what I read. Steve Pavlina has one of the most visited blogs on personal development on the internet. His book Personal Development For Smart People has done very well on Amazon as well. I was shocked because I was of the opinion that there was little room for integration between open sexual expression and self development. I was elated because he gave me the courage to open up more in this area of my life and on my blog. I was also elated because it gave me the nod to move closer to not caring what others think of me.
So the impetus for such a change was brought on by Steve’s openness in his latest newsletter. I’m now going to pull various excerpts from the newsletter and make some personal comments below the excerpts. Before I do that I’d like to say that many things that I may share are not for the squeamish or sexually repressed. Therefore, if you feel like you’re either then you may want to end your reading right here.
The section was entitled “Living by your own rules.”
Steve:
Despite being lauded for my courage, in a way this reaction saddens me. In truth what I shared is something quite popular that millions of people enjoy. And yet many still consider it taboo to talk about it publicly. Why? Who says so? Who made up such silly rules?
Me:
I’m one of those people who has wanted to talk about many things publicly that I felt was a bit taboo. Taboo in the sense that I thought it was something that I should remain private about because I was worried about what other people might think. Does everything done in the darkness soon come to the light anyway? Hasn’t social media made it nearly impossible for much of anything to be private anymore? Remember the recent shock of Tiger Woods infidelity and how public that was despite his desire for that part of his life to remain private. Again where did these unwritten rules come from? It is silly because I know that there are so many people who do want to talk about it openly but don’t. Why does a person like Howard Stern make millions of dollars a year by going where few people dare to go? I’d suggest its because he doesn’t care what others think and he’s being authentically himself.
Steve:
It’s unfortunate that we feel the need to hide so much of our true selves from the world, isn’t it? We conceal common elements of our everyday lives from a misplaced sense of shame or guilt — or a fear of being harshly judged or rejected by others.
Me:
Regret seems to be one of the strongest emotions that people transitioning to the other side experience most often. Why do we fail to do the things that we really want to do while we are alive and able to do them? For me it’s just as Steve says, I’m ashamed, I feel guilt because I feel that some of my sexual desires do not integrate well with personal development. Most strongly I feel the fear of being judged harshly by others. This is so deeply rooted within my psyche that it has become natural reaction.
Steve:
How much of your mental energy is wasted on hiding and pretending? Do you have to pretend you aren’t attracted to the people you’re most attracted to? Do you have to pretend you never masturbate — or look at online porn? Do you have to pretend you like your job when you’d rather be doing something else? Just how socially repressed are you? What are you unable to talk about openly? What would cause you to feel embarrassed if someone ratted you out? What secret information could someone use to blackmail you?
Me:
We have a lot of pretenders out there. You know who you are. Many of you are reading this post. Yeah you’ve been caught in cyberspace. Some of you are cheating on your spouses. Some of you have strong affections for another person but too afraid to let them know. Some of you wish to experience things sexually with someone other than the person you’re with. Some of you wish to bring a different sexual dynamic to your existing relationship but you take no action to move in that direction. I’m telling you now that you would be shocked by some of the sexual appetites of those that you think that you know. Too many of us are sexually repressed. We’re doing things that were too embarrassed to talk about because we fear being judged, frowned upon and scorned. We’re much more freakier that we choose to let other people know. In a supposedly liberated society we are some of the most non-sexually liberated people on the planet. I wonder what would happen if more people opened up more in this area of their lives alone.
Steve:
Where do those external expectations exist anyway? They aren’t somewhere “out there.” They exist within us. Those thoughts and feelings are ours, not someone else. They’re our own limits, not society’s. When we validate such limits, we give our power away to them and turn them into something real. And yet they remain nothing but illusions without substance.
Me:
This paragraph is perhaps one of the most revealing. There is no “out there…out there.” There is only “in here..in here.” If you’ve been a reader of this blog for any length of time you will hear me say this ad nauseum. All limits are self-imposed. How often do we give away our power to others and feeling that they’re the culprit? We continue to remain trapped by our own thinking all the time wondering why we feel so depressed.
Steve:
During the past year, I took some major steps forward in terms of dumping silly notions of what I can and can’t say or do, particularly when it comes to communicating with others. I started being open and honest in ways I’d never done before. Initially I feared I’d be subjected to considerable rejection, but I simply accepted that as consequence I’d have to deal with. I figured my self-esteem was high enough that I could take it. In the end my curiosity was significantly greater than my fears and worries.
To kick things off, I very directly told a woman that I was attracted to that I liked her a lot and wanted to explore a deeper connection with her, both emotionally and physically. On another occasion I got into a conversation with a woman about sexual domination and submission, and I invited her to “play together” next time she’s in town.
Me:
I too am going to take a major step in this direction. I will publicly announce it on my blog in a few months what I have decided to do. I will give you a little hit now. I have a serious woman’s foot fetish. I love a woman’s feet. I even wrote an erotic poem about this very subject many years ago that I may release soon. I just love seeing women with pretty feet in open toe shoes, stilettos, flip flops, sandals and bare feet. There I said it. It’s out so judge me if you will because it will only help me build up my self-esteem. Caring what other people think about me is going to be a fear that I conquer in 2010. If Steve can do it so can I and it’s something that I’ve me longing to do for quite a long time.
Steve:
Where have you been holding back? What special fantasy would you like to experience? What’s the fastest possible way you could manifest it? Why not apply the dirt simple approach of communicating your desires openly and asking for what you want from someone who can help make it happen?
Me:
I have and ton of fantasies and I imagine that you do too and if you don’t you’re probably been long sense spiritually, emotionally and physically dead. Most of you will read this and think that I’ve gone too far and will continue to remain in a sexual rut. Some of you will be excited by the idea that you have now been given “permission” to live out those fantasies. And there is a large part of you that are far too judgmental to let any new thoughts or ideas penetrate your cerebral cortex to grow at all. Regardless as to which group you may fall into I delighted to be able to share this information with you and hope that you grew in some capacity.
That’s my spin on it.
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